Alchemy, of a sort

Now that  _____  has posted his news on Facebook and I can see what he’s feeling about the ordeal he is going through—or what he’s willing to share about it—I’m feeling proud and grateful for the family I was born into and the families we’ve made.

I’m proud of these people for their equanimity and acceptance and for the generosity they’ve shown throughout their lives. I’m proud of the way they’ve done what every person has to do in this lifetime, which is to piece together and craft a way of living that serves other people and tells a story that is worthy of passing on.

I’m especially in awe of the people who have found a way to give a warmer kindness, love, and attention to others than was given or modeled to them in their younger days. That’s a form of alchemy, turning humble ingredients into something higher and more refined. That people still do this, in a time when all the worldly forces tell us to celebrate the lower self, to grab what we can and go—this is proof of spiritual powers to me. I’m thankful for those powers and for the people around me who express them so gracefully.

I haven’t made peace with the circumstances leading to this realization, not at all—but sometimes people remind you why you not only love but admire them, and the world feels like a better place in spite of the circumstances.

 

Lah ti dah, la la laa…

Our job at this stage of our development, says R. Steiner, is to transform our feeling life through the I.  Huh?  What what?

The “I” is our higher ego, the one that outlives our physical body. The feeling life is the entire body of likes and dislikes, identities and aspirations, tastes, judgments, attachments, and impulses, both noble and low, that we tote around with us. And the work of the I in transforming that body of feelings is somehow connected with the deepest part of the original Christian message. That’s about as far as I can see into that.

Oh, and to get there we’re supposed to work with imaginations. These are the little (or big) insights we receive about the way things work, or thought pictures, or events we bring to life through our thinking, and through our thinking we bring higher consciousness down into the world.

As for me, I know I’m not good at any meditative discipline. Maybe in the fall I can take something up again. All spring and summer I’ve been taking grace for granted—spending from my savings so to speak—and turning away from meditation with a will. I feel like there may be a reckoning for this at some time to come; but I also know at some level I’ve chosen it and will learn a lesson from whatever the consequence is. Of course, if I’ve done harm, or failed to do some good, through my lack of a practice, I hope for a chance to restore things in this life. (More grace, please?)

Even without a practice, I’m hungry all the time for a glimpse behind the curtain. So I’m hungering and at the same time refusing to do the main thing that might feed me. The hunger, or rather the eagerness for the experience of growth and living, tells me I’m not completely asleep, and I’m trying—trying, not mastering, but trying—to be silent more and let the world speak to me through its forms. I’m trying to observe things without naming them or explaining them. That is a kind of practice, more of an abstaining than a doing, and I know it’s like scattering seeds—some will grow, but only to the degree I’ve given them good soil to grow in. The rest are not wasted, of course, but their effect is much less than it could have been.

There you have it—Summer.

The Hill

Let us turn and look another way.
We’ve been staring at the flag on the hill,
longing to possess it, make it our own.
Our task is so much greater. The hill
when it has gone to dust will be replaced
by what our wisdom creates today.

If that line of thought doesn’t thrill you,
just know that we agree on the
absolute need to love
more greatly, more actively, more broadly,
more generously, more anonymously, more
in all directions till we are stretched
beyond our limits, because love is more than a model,
it is a tool we are entrusted with, it is
both the sword and the plow. Someday
the world will be something we wouldn’t recognize now,
and all the errors we have made will be
etched upon the earth—sing Praise
but no one doubts that love will be just
as great and living then.
They may be different, your love and mine,
your will and mine, but all the open-hearted love we try
to plant into the earth today
may give our far-away descendants a better light
to see by, a reason not to
look back at us and mourn.

 

Fear Feeds Itself

Green leaves reflected on the rippling surface of a lake.

If I say love operates in the world as a force, what does that say about fear? Or is that the wrong way to ask? It assumes that love is an emotion, which makes it easier to view as a sentiment or even a chemical byproduct of our bodies. It also makes it on a level with simpler emotions.

So let’s say Love is a fundamental force, like gravity or magnetism. Fear, then? They say fear is the absence of love. But I don’t feel like love has gone from me even though I have fear.

It’s asking a whole lot to say we should live in these times without fear. Fear comes out of attachment and the longing to preserve things the way they are, or used to be. Maybe it comes from a lack of faith in the power of love, or in the spiritual helpers who work and weave in subtle ways around us. It may also mean we don’t really understand the gift of freedom, which we reduce to material, legalistic terms but don’t respect in a broader, spiritual way.

Whatever the source of fear is, we have to ask now whether we can be free of it. It has begun to look like we should fear Fear itself, as though fear is being used as a weapon or a tool to keep the people in a state of emotional unrest. In this way it doesn’t matter which side you’re on, like them or despise them, pro or con, you’re resonating with fear and high-strung emotions and thereby easily manipulated. It feeds itself.

There are going to be a lot of changes that we can take as gut-punches in the coming few years: unchecked assaults on the environment, on social supports, on civil rights, on human dignity and (if we go back to war) on human lives. The effort to return America to greatness masks a desire to go backwards, to undo what modest progress we had been making toward being responsible, accountable people. We can take these all at the material level and live in a condition of chronic despair, or we can cultivate the seeds of all the higher impulses that were, and always will be, moving us forward.

There is a physical narrative and there is a spiritual narrative. Everything we do and see has a corresponding story that unfolds invisibly. In the material world we see the battles as Right vs. Wrong, but in the invisible world the stories play out between Love and Less-than-Love, Wisdom and Less-than-Wisdom. The more we seek our news in these stories the more we will be free from despair.

No Screen

I’m looking at the news coverage of a man in solider’s camouflage who got in a scuffle with the pro-immigration marchers here in Louisville. Hoo boy, I think, this’ll be good. I can’t wait to hear what idiot hate-speak comes out of his mouth! But then they put the microphone to him and pffft, he turns out to be intelligent. He actually makes sense; he just disagrees with the other people there. How disappointing!

 

Can we take some time to see ourselves in a different way from our common view? Let us see if having our faith inform both our attitudes and our actions can give us that elusive sense of hope we look to for sustenance.

Taking some time: Even the act of stepping back from the urgency of opinions to look for another viewpoint alters us.

The question we are used to asking ourselves is, “What do I think about that?” We look at a situation–something in the news, for instance–and form an opinion on it. To a greater or lesser extent, then, depending on our interest, we develop a “stake” in the situation. We develop a greater or lesser concern for how the situation comes out. Having views on the conditions of the world becomes part of the structure of our lives–part of the dwelling we construct for ourselves. Forming and holding views becomes a ritualized habit that contributes to our very identity.

A different question shifts the focus from an idealized view to one of participation: “What do I do?”

The atomizing effects of our cultural evolution, and of our mass media and technology choices, reinforce a tendency to see the world as something “out there” that happens to us, around us. We tend to retreat into our minds and view the world as if on a screen. Asking “What do I do?” helps to lower the screen and put us in the scene with all the other players.

Mother Teresa famously said, “There are no great deeds. Only small deeds done with great love.” Deeds done out of love have the immediacy of impulse because love is brought forth in the moment. Yesterday’s calculation, or the opinions I formed of the people around me and their actions, do not produce the effects of love in the present. In our time only the conscious application of our will to love can have a transformative effect.

“What do I do?” means, “What could my impulse to love do to make this situation better?” Rather than separating people through our judgments, and in doing so defining ourselves as “different” and “other” from them, we might look at the healing power we have right at hand at every moment. And what happens in these moments, when we consciously apply love in our interactions in place of judgment, takes place within ourselves.

Let’s not mistake love that arises from our identification with other people for a kind of pitying condescension that comes from moralistic judgment. Moralism only reinforces our separation. It’s through our ability to see “the others” in ourselves, and ourselves in them–an ability that’s cultivated–that the screens come down. It’s then that we open ourselves to something not of our own creation. When we sacrifice our will to judge or correct others in the moment, we enact love and generosity.

Likewise, in looking to faith to inform our actions, let’s not consider faith as merely the dictates of our particular religious creeds. We will not embody faith by falling back on rules or recitations. Rather, we look for the fruits of these within us and hope to express them in what we think and do. Rudolf Steiner talked about faith as not just a sufficiency of love, enough to fill the heart, but an overflowing of love. I think the emphasis is on the action.

The question I feel I should pose myself every day (many times) becomes: “What would it feel like to stream love out like a burning sun, to everyone I encounter?” I will try to construct a new dwelling out of this.

 

Old poems never die…

Many-colored rectangles colliding peaceably at angles, with a broad stripe winding across on a diagonal.

Here is a poem from two decades ago that still has some resonance for me as I try to pay my debts with love. I’ve posted a bunch more of these old soldiers and am making them march around again (see the link to Poems up near the top of the page). If you’re interested, please go see them so their efforts won’t be in vain. (Thank them for their service, you know, that kind of thing.)

 

       After the Demonstration
Nothing makes me as lonely as being told
how unified we are. The cell swirls
in jubilation and I am expelled into orbit.
There is great freedom in wanting different 
from anyone else. In my life, I have evolved:
First I despised the haters. Next I looked down
on those who despised them. Now, adrift and rolling away,
I have the next person trapped in me, and I despise 
my righteous isolation, my mirrors, my need to judge.

The Pentecostals (whom  I now love
for their holy separation) cut through the rain
seemingly on their own band: He made a change
in my life. He made a change in My Life.
My wheels keep beat for me, as if pulling me down
will make it so. For a moment I slip back to the world
and am jarred by the normalness of myself,
a man in a jacket. Possibly a complete vessel.

If I could prolong that motion--grow
from human to artwork--I would long
to drop in the world's pocket, wait
there to be found and judged, yes, held

in the sweet above and below of the human world.
But I am away, untethered, again--
Adam. Where a word would have saved me, I veered
toward loneliness. It seems this will not 
be the day my wary heart finds
a back door to its categories, lets in
the next person, the one for whom
no body has been made yet.

Doing Without

Can I say that I reject hate as a response to killing, to deceit, greed, exploitation? If I do I’m being false–no attitude is called for. I will either hate or not in the moment; there is no position to adopt or uniform to put on to establish a side.

Yet, I don’t have children or relations who have been killed or suffered harsh deprivations. These words, or anyone’s, don’t prescribe a treatment for hatred, anger, or grief. The choice we have is what to put into practice, judgement or receptivity.

The change that may come about will be known for what it is not. It won’t bear the marks of premeditation. It will not advance hatred or vengeance as its motive. It is not a model of forgiveness being put into action, but a continuing experience of withholding any judgements that isolate us from anyone or anything else.

First Response

Try making your first response to news you hear, things you see, “Hmmm… that’s interesting.” Then look for what is genuinely interesting in it.

Don’t name it; stay with the act of finding interest. The goal is not to form a reaction or an opinion–try to break the dependency on those–but to experience your attention. Observe how the world operates without your reaction. What’s different?